Helping Your Child Face Social FEars
Written by Calista Chong and Manasa Vetcha
How a simple drink order can become a moment of growth-and small steps you can take together.
Have you ever noticed your child freezing up when asked to order their own food, speak to a shop assistant, or greet a family friend? Tasks that seem simple to adults can feel overwhelming for a child experiencing social anxiety.
Social anxiety goes beyond being shy - it is a persistent fear of being judged or embarrassed in social situations. For some children, this anxiety can interfere with everyday interactions and prevent them from participating in activities they would otherwise enjoy.
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Why These Moments Matter
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In unfamiliar or demanding social situations, kids with social anxiety may avoid speaking, turn away, rely on parents to speak for them, or appear disinterested. However, they are often unsure or fearful, and not unwilling. When children do not have the tools or support to express their discomfort, they may default to avoidance, entering a “flight” mode to escape the situation entirely. If avoidance is not possible, they may instead shut down or “freeze,” feeling overwhelmed and powerless.
This is why teaching children how to set boundaries is so essential. By helping them to recognise that their feelings are valid and to teach them to communicate their needs, verbally or nonverbally, we give them tools to stay regulated and feel safe. Rather than feeling stuck or invisible, they begin to understand that their voice matters. Over time, this builds confidence and self-advocacy, allowing them to face challenges with a sense of agency, rather than fear.
Helping children advocate for themselves is a first step to helping them feel a sense of control. Even the most well-meaning of adults may think that it is important to get children to ‘face their fears’ but this could potentially cause more anxiety in the child and in turn create frustration in the adult.
Children often strive to meet the expectations of the adults around them, especially parents, teachers, and caregivers. When they struggle with a task, they may not just feel frustration, they may also carry a deep sense of disappointment, fearing they have let down those they look up to. At the same time, caregivers may view the task as simple or routine, unintentionally minimising the child’s emotional experience. This mismatch in perspective can create a communication breakdown: the child feels unseen or misunderstood, while the adult may feel confused or even impatient about the child’s reaction.
It is important to acknowledge a child’s feelings no matter how small we think they might be and to help them in expressing things like “I don’t want to” and “I am uncomfortable". Labeling their emotions helps them feel seen and in turn builds trust with the adult.
Another vital strategy is teaching children to advocate for themselves. For instance, they can learn to request a “5-minute break” or use visual cues to communicate needs, such as going to the bathroom, rather than relying solely on verbal means.
Once a child is able to better regulate and communicate needs, using a step ladder approach will help the child grade their exposure to social situations.
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The Stepladder Approach​
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The stepladder approach is a step-by-step method that helps children gradually face and manage their fears. It begins with a task that causes only mild anxiety, and slowly builds up to more challenging situations. With each step, children gain a sense of mastery and confidence.
This method works because it:
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Encourages children to face fears rather than avoid them
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Helps create positive and manageable experiences
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Builds coping skills through repeated practice
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Allows children to feel a sense of achievement at each stage
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How Parents Can Support the Process
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Here are some ways you can help your child use the stepladder approach at home:
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Start small – Begin with familiar people or routines. For children who are shy or overwhelmed, verbal expressions of gratitude can feel intimidating or forced. Instead of asking them to say “hello ___”, let them know that using a simple and quick gesture like a thumbs-up or a wave can also be powerful forms of acknowledgment. These small, nonverbal cues validate the moment without overwhelming the child.
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Make it playful – For younger children, turn steps into games or role-plays. You might pretend to be a shopkeeper or let them earn points for completing social tasks.
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Use helpful self-talk – Teach your child simple phrases to calm or validate themselves, such as “I am trying to be brave” or “At least I gave it a try!”
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Model It – It can be helpful to model how to reframe anxious thoughts. For example, you might say, “I was feeling nervous and thought that no one wanted to eat with me. But then I reminded myself that maybe they did not know I wanted to join them, so I could try asking them next time.” This demonstrates to your child how to acknowledge worries while also practicing more helpful thinking.
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Let Them Help Others – Giving your child a purposeful task, such as ordering a drink for someone else, can shift their focus away from themselves and help build confidence. Invite them to place the order alongside you, reassuring them that you are there to support them.
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Go at their pace – Let your child take the lead while offering gentle encouragement. Collaborate to create non-verbal signals or short phrases they can use to express when they need to pause. If they wanted to write the order down instead of making a verbal order, that is completely fine! Acknowledge and praise any effort they make, no matter how small, as it reflects meaningful progress in learning to advocate for themselves.
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Celebrate small wins – Recognise progress in all its forms. A wave goodbye or making eye contact can be a big milestone for a child with social anxiety. Offering praise for effort such as “You are trying to be so brave, I am so proud of you!” encourages the child to continue exhibiting these behaviours.